Ocean’s 8 will flop: 8 reasons

Ocean’s 8 is out today

Ocean’s 8 is in cinemas from today so I’m going to write about it.

I’m on a bit of a roll writing-wise. Did you read my update from Saturday?

Ocean’s 8 will flop and here is a totally non-gimmicky list of eight reasons why.

Zero hype

Did you know this film existed?

I didn’t, maybe that speaks more of my ignorance than anything else, but there has been zero hype for Ocean’s 8.

I know that it’s all female but after that, what’s the hook?

No one is excited about this film, no one asked for another Ocean’s film and no one is going to see it.

It’s champions lack enthusiasm.

This film will probably be fine.

It’ll be bland because most movies made today are inoffensive, insipid forgettable trash. Ocean’s 8 will be no different.

It’ll lack passion because it’s a film put together by committee.

There haven’t been many bad reviews but read between the lines of the “positive” reviews.

Several critics have said that the Ocean’s 8 isn’t perfect. Pointing out that something isn’t perfect is the most non-committal milquetoast observation you can make.

Of course it isn’t perfect; no movie is perfect.

Even films that I consider perfect contain imperfections.

In Ghostbusters how does Venkman know they have to empty their heads? Robocop, it isn’t clear if Clarence recognises Murphy as the cop he murdered. In Shadow of a Doubt there is, when, the, you know what, that film is perfect.

They’re damning Ocean’s 8 with faint praise.

Releasing on a Monday

Releasing a film on a Monday shows a lack of confidence from the studio.

Friday is the standard practice day to release a film. Release on Friday and you take the weekend gross to work out if the film is a success or not.

That’s because a film usually drops it’s revenue by 50% by the second weekend. Even films that most people consider to be “good” have this sharp decline.

If a film releases on Thursday that means that the studio is confident in the product and are hoping for good word of mouth to get the weekend crowd in the door. Look at Hereditary as a recent example. It’s been getting critical buzz even though it is splitting audiences, it will do well.

Releasing on a Monday means the studio don’t have any faith in the film.

Remember from Monday-Sunday is counted as “opening weekend”. Studios will count the whole weeks gross as opening weekend. You’ll hear that the film did great but don’t forget they’re counting seven days as three.

If the film does OK it will be because there is no competition. Solo was as genuine certified bomb and Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom has been out for a while.

Heist films are meh

Does anyone like heist films? I’m personally not a big fan. The moral tends to be crime doesn’t pay or if you’re the lesser of two evils, it does.

Heist films tend to have a significant portion of the run time spent looking at maps and planning stuff out.

The stakes in heist films are too low. No one dies in heist films. The hero may get sent to prison, but usually, they come up with “one last job” while inside, so incarnation is no big deal.

Characters in heist films tend to be selfish assholes. You accept men as selfish assholes because we tend to be that way. Will people take women in the same way?

Good heist films tend to not be about the heist itself.

Reservoir Dogs doesn’t have a heist. Inception is about dreams. The Killing is probably the best film about a heist, which has a heist in it.

Ocean’s films are even meher

Is there a nostalgia for the Ocean’s films? If so I’m unaware.

Full disclosure, I’ve never seen any of the Ocean’s films. Not the Sinatra one, not the Clooney ones.

The films never interested me. All people ever said was that Brad Pitt eats in every scene, does that mean it’s good?

Were the sequels not famous for being bad, even by sequel standards? They had a whole bit were Julia Roberts character poses as Julia Roberts.

So good for you Ocean’s 8, you have brand recognition, score.

Women working as a team

This is the point you were expecting weren’t you?

I can’t go on too much about my thoughts about a group of more than three women working together harmoniously John Mulaney does a far better job.

What is going to kill Ocean’s 8 is that they are going to portray the women as these angels who walk among us. You can’t have them fall out because that might be sexist. Women not fighting may be politically correct or some nonsense, but it is not dramatic.

Look at Gone Girl, one of the finest films about male and female relationships. It was brutally honest about men and women, both were shown to be assholes and it was considered misogynist.

The Bechdel test is nonsense.

You will probably hear that this film passes the Bechdel test.

What is the Bechdel test?

If your film has a scene with two named female characters talking about something other than men, congratulations you passed.

It makes a film more female-friendly because women struggle to empathise with others, isn’t that right? If women don’t see other women in movies, they can’t relate.

I know this pain because I can only enjoy films with tall men in them (my favourite films, therefore, are Space Jam, Roger Moore James Bond, and Steel)

Examples of female-friendly/Bechdel test passing films: Annihilation, Alien saga, Die Hard and the first Terminator film.

Enjoy ladies.

Examples of films that don’t pass, Kathryn Bigelow’s entire filmography.

The Bechdel test is pointless, most real-life women wouldn’t pass it so who cares if fictitious women do?

Half-assed feminism

They never go all in on the feminism gimmick they always half-ass the job. Why stop at all-female principal cast? Make the crew all female?

Why do these “all-female” gimmicks stop at the cast? Why is the director always male.

Ghostbusters 2016 had a male director, Paul Feig. I hate Paul Feig’s directing, this video explains many of my problems with him.

If you’re going to make something all female then why not go all in, get a female director and all female writers.

Who directed this? Gary Ross, great the guy who hired Michael J. Fox to be his camera person on the first Hunger Games film.

I also see James Cordenmeofffromthepublic is in it too, wonderful.

So what’s the matter Hollywood, don’t you believe in women?

One final observation, did they spoil the “twist” in the first image they released? Is an antagonist going to be in on it from the start?

Why is Anne Hathaway on the train with them?


One thought on “Ocean’s 8 will flop: 8 reasons

  1. Wow this post aged badly. It was quite a bit. I imagine a retraction article was forthcoming.

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