Northern Irish women, avoid them (online)

Northern Irish women are a law unto themselves.

Last time you read me, it was about why you shouldn’t date Northern Irish men. Now it’s your turn ladies.

First up some caveats. Most of this is coming from my experience in the online dating realm. In fact, I’m aiming at the Northern Irish women that you would encounter online. The ones you encounter through the likes of Tinder, Bumble and shudder, Plenty of Fish.

Second, do you think I literally mean all Northern Irish women? Do you think that I have met every last Northern Irish Woman? Do you think that it’s possible for me to do so? If you answered yes to any of the above, please leave and don’t come back.

I don’t mean all Northern Irish women. The most excellent local ladies have married or moved to the mainland, traitors.

If you think that I mean all Northern Irish women you might want to check out this post about selective autism.

Before we continue, let me be clear with you. I’ve done a considerable amount of travelling in my life. Been to many cities, many countries. I can say that hand on my heart Northern Irish women are the most beautiful in the world. If you know this then you’ll also know that looks will only take you so far. What matters more is having a positive outlook and not taking life so seriously.

You know what? I don’t even know why I’m trying to dig myself out of this.

You can’t dig upwards.

Without further ado here’s five for why.

5: Just a Pam looking for her Jim hehe

My God do you know how much I hate this expression? It got to the point where I would match with those who had that line in their bio. This was to raise awareness of the cancerousness of Jim and Pam.

Jim and Pam from the American Office may on the surface look like hashtag squad goals or whatever they say now. Even the slightest analysis reveals that it’s an abusive relationship.

Let’s look at Pam. She cheated on her fiancee (red flag), tried to pretend that it never happened (double red flag) only to realise she wants gym when he is in a relationship (using both red flags to spell “Redflag” in semaphore). This is in the first three seasons. There was something like eight in total.

Pam attempts various different careers, and she gives up on all of them as soon as it becomes difficult. Now, there’s nothing wrong with trying and failing. In fact, it’s admirable. Let me tell you what pushes her into the realm of unforgivable. Jim is a rock for her throughout the entire show. Towards the later seasons, Jim starts up his own business. The business does well. Jim has to travel, and it puts a strain on the marriage. One of the “documentary makers” even breaks with protocol to provide her with a shoulder to cry on. Pam asks Jim to quit his dream job, and he does so, for her.

“But Kieran it’s so romantic” I hear idiots yell from the other side of the screen.

That there’s a significant portion of Northern Irish women, who watched The Office and saw Jim and Pam play out. A relationship that the moral is, “Be a self-indulgent indecisive bint for as long as you want and he’s not right for you if he doesn’t accept that”

It worries me that there are Northern Irish women who saw all that and thought,

“I want that”

Then stuck it in their bio.

If you know someone looking for their Jim get them the next best thing.

A doormat.

4: Want to know anything just ask

What the hell does that mean? Why the hell would I ask you instead of Google? You wrote “no” instead of “know”. In fact, dating apps I find are the worst resource for information. “Anything” is a broad subject love, and if I wanted to know, I’m afraid I’d go elsewhere.

While we’re here let’s bring up some of my favourite lines from the online dating world.

“I enjoy good…” this could be a good sense of humour, good food or another version of the word is “fun”. I’m not trying to be funny but who doesn’t enjoy good things? To their credit, I’ve yet to read someone who enjoys shit craic and food that’s several months past it’s best.

“My kids come first, and I want a man who will put me first”. Yeah, that seems entirely fair. Tell you what I see that you have one of those repeal stickers in your profile. How about you stickem up for adoption or have a post natal abortion? No?

“I’m not here for mind games, one night stands, users or cheaters” Jesus why not just write “Fuck off” instead?

3: The 1000 rooster stare.

“How can a man sleep with 100 girls and be a stud whereas a girl does it she’s a slut.”

Short answer?


The downside is you don’t get to be as promiscuous as men, the upside is that your sex is way less disposable. It’s changing further with the postmodernism, the equalising of the sexes. Men and women can sleep around just as much as each other no consequence right? Right?

Sure, no consequence.

Men, technically and I must stress technically, weather permitting and all that have the potential to,  impregnate five women a day, weather permitting. Women, on the other hand, can get pregnant once every nine months. Now you think that’s unfair, life is unfair for both sides. Men are only 100% needed for the pregnancy part, after that, with single motherhood is more common than it was, you can see that any time after that the percentage goes down. Women are more valuable than men, that’s just the way it is. A man is expected to do the right thing a woman must do what is right for her.

The pill has been one of the great sexual liberators for modern women and we’re starting the see the effects of what consequence-free promiscuity is starting to look like.

Turns out it’s a glazed over, dead eye look that once you see you can’t unsee.

Kyle Trouble had a good thread on twitter about the subject.

Anyway, you see it quite a bit in Northern, it’s a bit of a no-no.

You say that makes me a hypocrite.

I say “OK”.

2: They cannot handle the banter

Most people don’t like me the first time they meet me. It takes them several goes to get the hang of me. There are some people that I’ve known for years still haven’t got the hang of me yet. Those silly dumdums.

I come across like an asshole in person, can you imagine what I must be like over text?

Now, this is an issue on my end more than theirs but good God, Northern Irish women online cannot engage in the banter.

Again this problem is probably with me. For some reason “Anything planned for the weekend” doesn’t exactly get my digits dancing.

Now when I was online I had the best profile not because it’s different but because it was the best representation of who I was. It was sarcastic, egotistical and had a few funny lines. The presentation was a bit shit and minimal effort. In short the profile was me to a T.

Here it is:

Obviously not the best but with a few minutes of effort it was ready to go and it went well. Got several matches from it and got a few dates. What I found puzzling was that there would be some matches who would bring nothing to the table. They would just write “Hey”. I can’t work with that. It would get to the point where I would get bored of the conversation so I would come up with silly bits. I remember one was about how a girl was using tinder to kidnap springer spaniels for her bagpiping class. Nothing too out there offensive (by my standards) but it can get a little soul-crushing, trying to make an effort only to be met with a “Huh”.

Again, this one is more on me but a dull conversation is everyone’s responsibility.

1: Photos, my god the photos

Sometimes I wonder if women can see adequately.

The photos on dating apps make me think that not only are incapable of seeing themselves objectively but they have no clue what men look for. This isn’t a go at their looks, but so many Northern Irish women have so little basic knowledge about what looks good. I’m not even talking about group shots or toilet shots.

northern irish women
This, this is what I’m talking about

Every day is a school day when you’re looking through female dating profiles.

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