Northern Irish men, don’t date them

Northern Irish men are weird right?

This week I’m going to furnish you with some dating advice.

Please, please, please keep in mind that I’m no expert. I will say that when it comes to love and relationships, no one knows what they’re doing.

If there were a secret formula counsellors would save marriages rather than prepare couples for divorce.

Now before we go any further, this advice is aimed at heterosexual women. Whether they take it, anyone’s guess.

In my limited knowledge, there is one thing you can be sure of, you should not go out with men from Northern Ireland.

Here’s five for why.

5: A load of us are still in the closet

You’d think that with all the progress made with equality that people would be open and honest about themselves.

Not so.

When it comes to equality, Northern Ireland has quite some way to go. Northern Ireland still doesn’t have marriage equality or on the spot abortions.

Now we may have several not so gentlemen who are willing to meet you at the top of the stairs, but it’s not the same.

If you were from a more advanced country like Qatar, you might feel Northern Ireland is like taking a step back in time. Meaning to sound prejudiced but this is especially true if for you decide to venture out from what barely passes as our “cosmopolitan” zones.

For that reason, there’s still a good load of Northern Irish lads who aren’t living their best lives so to speak.

Here’s a morbid example.

I heard this from one of my insiders so you may want to take this with a pinch of salt.

A rather large man passed on while in the throes of passion at one of Belfast’s notorious “saunas”. He crushed his wrestling partner. Thankfully due to sweat and perseverance, he was able to get free and fled the scene.

Now the police had to work out what happened. The police wanted to find out who played Stan Laurel to the deceased’s Oliver Hardy. There was a register, filled with fake names and false contact info. Our Stan, in this case, made one mistake. He put his actual phone number in the place where there should have been a random jumble of 11 digits.

The police phoned the number, someone answered and then promptly ended the call. Police persisted and got the person on the line long enough to tell him he needs to present himself at the station. Otherwise, they would track his whereabouts, show up and drag him out in cuffs.

The man complied, showed up and the unfortunate matter was soon cleared up.

The reason for avoiding the phone calls?

He didn’t want his wife and kids to find out.

If you’re going to be in Belfast awhile practice your surprised face. Practice for that moment when Johnny finally tells you his big secret.

You might be wondering, “How does Kieran know these men are gay”?

Simple, I see them at all the clubs.

4: Arrested development

You’ve heard the joke that Jesus was an Irish man?

He lived at home until he was 30 and his mother thought he was the son of God.

That might not be true of Northern Irish men.

I definitely am not Jesus, despite what the voices keep telling me. I was in the home till 31, that’s embarrassing. I’ve got uncles who still haven’t left. How do you feel about that?

I’m not saying that it’s part of our national conscious but let’s look at one of our myths. Finn McCool a giant who when faced with a challenge from another giant… pretended to be a baby. Ok what else when he got into trouble he… sucked his thumb. C’mon man, your letting us down.

Finn McCool? Finn McLame amiright?

We kind of love our mammy’s and home comforts, maybe a bit too much.

Be warned that’s what you’re up against.

3: Indecisive/Egalitarian to a fault

“Where do you want to go for food?”

“Oh, I’m not fussed.”

“Neither am I”

“Neither am I”

Their bodies were found, not fussed.

Sound familiar? I bet it does. I’m trying to work out this one. Is it that Northern Irish men really aren’t fussed, or sometimes we can be a little too respectful?

One of the downsides of being mammy’s boys is that we listen to advice from mammy and other women too for that matter.

Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever asked a woman for romantic advice from a woman but *SPOILERS* it fucking sucks.

“Just be yourself” What the fuck does that mean.

“Listen to her and let her take the lead from time to time”. Have you ever put a woman on the spot before to get them to make a decision? If you ever ask a woman “Is it the red wire or the blue wire” be prepared to suck a load of shrapnel.

Northern Irish men have a tendency to either a) be indecisive or b) try and give the woman equal say. This is a recipe for disaster because one indecisive person in a relationship is fine, two is a nightmare.

2: We have next to no game

This is one that I have been trying to fight against. I’ve read books watched videos all in an effort to be something that a woman would want.

Now I’m under no illusions about myself. I’ve worked a lot on my personality over the years and would say that I’m much different from who I was in my early twenties. In fact, I would say that I overcompensated and focused too much time on personality. It’s not for everyone, but I’m less awful than I was. Still a bit awful. I need to redress the balance and work on my career and finances. I should be an eligible bachelor by the time I’m 60.

There are a load of Northern Irish men who think that they have got the gift. Sadly unknown to them it’s the gift of hepatitis.

There are so many of us who think that we are born perfect. Nothing could be further from the truth. If for some reason, say sadomasochism, you decide to take on, and NI guy as a “fixer-upper” your first task will be to break the conditioning.

1: High pitched voices

This, if I were a woman or attracted to my own sex, would be a deal-breaker for me. Northern Irish men have this tendency to ascend octaves as a stress response.

I don’t know how you feel about it, but for me, that should be a deal-breaker.

You can tell when a fight is going to break out at a Belfast bar. It starts off with a low repeated “Mate” as the pitch goes up so do the repetitions. When the dogs start howling, you know that fists are going to fly.

When us Northern Irish men get flustered or emotional, we go into Chipmunk mode.

It’s a problem that some of us are trying to resolve.