Birthdays will make you look back

Today is my birthday

Today is my birthday. I’m currently out for a meal with my family. I’m not a fan of birthdays. It’s not that I’m some bah humbug person, I think that my birthday, the date not my actual birth isn’t that important.

I’m an attention seeker. I’m loud, obnoxious and not everyone’s cup of tea. You might think that because I’m an attention seeker, I always want an audience. Not the case. I don’t like the attention given to me unearned. I want to take it for myself. When all eyes are on me, I get performance anxiety. People expect me to do something. That’s why I’m not such a big fan of my birthday.

A birthday is an excellent time to check in and see how you are doing. I’ll do that and let you be part of the process. I want to let you in on who I am. Not too much though, I wouldn’t want to spoil the mystery.

Finally becoming who I am supposed to be

Your body wants you to do a certain something. Not doing it will affect your mood. Before 2018 I didn’t write every day. In fact, I would rarely write. I would get grumpy and depressed. It wasn’t an apparent depression; not even I noticed until I looked back.

The depression would manifest itself in poor eating, overindulging in Youtube, video games and other vices. I would sleep too long and allow myself to procrastinate writing. Wake up at 12 pm and say it was too late to start.

I used to baulk at the prospect of writing 1000 words a day. Now it comes much more efficiently. I’m enjoying the act of writing, and it’s making me a happier person overall.

Each year I’m improving specific skills. You may disagree, but I think that my writing is coming on leaps and bounds. It may be small increments to you, but I am glad to be writing and believe that it’s improving.

My work isn’t perfect, it isn’t even that good, but I don’t worry about that anymore. I write for me, and if you enjoy it, that’s great.

Last year I would have spent months devoted to a post and then deleted not long after. Now I want to publish on the regular rather than putting out infrequent articles.

Blogging and publishing is a long-term system, not a goal. At the minute I’m

getting to the point where the word count doesn’t bother me.

Soon I’m going to get to a point where the quality is going to start increasing. I’m excited about that and hope you’re excited too.

Enjoy your life

I’m enjoying my life. It’s not that the previous years were terrible, now happens to be so much better. It feels like I am finally beginning to engage with life and the people around me.

Previously I was going through the motions. I was worried about being liked, coming out of scenarios as “the good guy”. Now I realise that being loved and the good guy is overrated. It’s also far worse in the long run, avoiding small conflicts will lead to bigger ones down the line. If there is something that you are avoiding I recommend that you stop that and take it head-on. Momentary pain for long-term gain.

I’ve never felt closer to my family. Finally moving out last year shares part of the responsibility for that. When we are together, we make more of that time.

I feel closer to my friends. I’m probably not a great friend but am trying to make amends for past failings.

But it’s not perfect.

Hope you don’t think I’m bragging, I’m not. One reason for writing this post was I wanted to give you a clearer perspective on what’s going on.

I may be presenting myself as living the sweet life, but it’s not the case. There are areas of my life that are gravely deficient.

First of all, there’s weird Dunning-Kruger effect going on with the writing. The more I write, the more I realise I haven’t written all that much. This leads to feelings of worthlessness.

Second I’m aware I’m probably making a fool of myself with the writing and videos. I could be losing grip on reality. This may be the start of a downward spiral that ends with me either in an asylum or a body bag.

I hope awareness is half the battle. Who knows, time will tell.

Third I don’t have a routine. Routine is the biggest obstacle I have to face. This is the piece of the puzzle that needs fit into place. It’s not even that I can’t find the piece, I have it in my hand, I’m too afraid to put it in. That puzzle piece is getting a new job.

I’ve been a cinema worker for almost ten years. Ten years on minimum wage, ten years waiting for a weekly rota. I have to get out of there, but I’m too afraid that I’m useless and I’m too old.

If you can sit for extended periods of time, you have an advantage over me. As I write this, I’m stood at a chest of drawers typing. Sitting kills me. Tall men shouldn’t sit for too long.

Getting a new job and developing a routine will be the hardest for me. For years I believed that habits were for normies. Looking at a lot of these normies, I ask myself, what’s wrong with normality?

Fourth and finally, my finances. My finances are in shocking shape. One of the good things about moving out is it’s made me realise how much money I pissed away.

Take Away

You’re reading this because I want you to know that on some levels I’m doing great. I’ve never felt more creative, and the amount I am writing is increasing day by day.

On other levels, I’m falling apart. I’m perma-broke, and I’ve gone from bad relationship to bad relationship.

I don’t want to be giving a false impression of myself.

You go through this life meeting people wearing masks with smiles on them. I’ve met those people too. I’m taking the cover off. Maybe you’ll take yours off sometime.

That’s where I am.

Hope that whatever you’re doing you’re doing well.

Know this: Everyone is carrying their cross, and you are too, but sometimes all you need is to adjust your attitude.

You could say that you’re excited about the future and what it may bring. I am too, but I’m more excited for what’s happening right now in the present.

I hope I can meet you there one day.

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