Here is the stand-up script for my set at Derry Chicken Box 26-9-19. There was an audio recording but the quality isn’t great and there’s a lot of background noise. I enjoyed performing and may stick with this one for a while and make a few alterations here and there.
Some lines I didn’t expect to get a laugh did and material I was sure would bring the house down, didn’t. When first starting stand up I would learn every sentence verbatim but it only ended up screwing me over. If I were to mess up a single sentence it would throw me off. This was used more like a guideline than a set text. Whether you are a practising stand up or interested in some aspect of how it’s done I hope you get some use out of this.
One last point before continuing, there’s reference to murder, suicide abortion in the text. There are also some topics that are unsuitable for comedy.
It’s all a joke. None of it is real. Not even the girlfriend stuff (I got dumped recently).
How are we doing everyone?
Before we begin, if I seem a little off sorts, can I tell you the big news? Do you want to hear the big news?
Ok, recently I found out my girlfriend is pregnant. And today I found out that we’re having an abortion. We’re going to have one of those at home abortions, so it’s more natural. It’s a surprise, I’m meeting her later at the top of the stairs, and we’re going to take it a step at a time. Several steps at a time.
She is from a Muslim background. When we first met, I thought she was a Suni Muslim. But as I got to know her, I discovered that she ate pork, drank alcohol and had sex outside of marriage. I was like, oh, you must be a shite Muslim.
She’s a Muslim whereas I’m from a Catholic background. We’d try to adopt aspects of each other’s religion. For example, she’d confess things to me. We’d drink blood together. Sometimes she’d take me into a small room. She’d expose herself to me and say that if I told anyone my granny’s soul would burn in hell for all eternity.
There’s no denying, the caring in trying.
As a mark of respect, I’d try to do things for her. Sometimes I’d buy a bag of rocket lettuce. Chop up some red onion and get some cherry tomatoes chuck ’em all on the ground and phone her. She’d say where are you and I’d say in salad.
Other times I’d hear people talking about their favourite side characters from Star Wars. “Mon Mothma is really good, she’s my favourite” I’d interject “Admiral Ackbar, Admiral Ackbar.”
I even went as far as running over my friend Daniel, as part of Ramadan.
But no she’s not actually pregnant. Soon. But if she were and she wanted to get rid of the clump of cells that we christened. Christened? Sorry, Muslimed James if it was a genderless clump of cells with a penis. Ruby if it was a genderless clump of cells with a vagina. I guess I would have to accept that.
Are all of us here, pro-choice?
Do we believe in the woman’s right to choose? Do we think that a woman should be able to do with her body as she pleases? You believe that a woman should be able to do whatever she wants with her body? See sometimes to know where people stand you need to take a second referendum.
My family aren’t like that. I try to say to them “her body her choice”. You might not understand the choice, but at least you should be happy for them that they did the right thing for them. My cousin, Kim, lives in Liverpool. On the mainland, things are a bit different. But my family are living in the past. My uncle was annoyed with me whenever I was delighted to hear that she slit her wrists.
Suicide is odd because you have to treat them delicately.
Now there are several comedians in here and myself. We’ve all been depressed. I’m sure, now we may not want to admit, but we’ve all had those thoughts. Heck, even I’ve tried to see if the meaning of life is inside my wrists.
Sometimes, we need tough love, and not everyone wants to hear that. I got fired from my job at the Samaritans. I used to use reverse psychology on them. “I’m going to kill myself” “Yeah, you don’t have the guts, talk shit. You never achieve anything you set out to do. Don’t waste my time”. The bosses come to me “Hey Kieran, you can’t do that, you gotta be nice”. I tell them “Hey, I have loads of callers and I’ve never had to deal with the same one twice.”
The fact is that we don’t give a fuck about people who commit suicide. We like to pretend we do, but we don’t. The biggest group at risk of suicide? Male prisoners. No matter what they did, we can’t let them kill themselves.
Like my Uncle Hugo, he did time.
Things got tight in there, and he contemplated ending it. I remember him sharing it with that. What got him through was he made a friend. They became best friends. These two guys who were prisoners became best friends. People will say to me, how do you know they were best friends? They finished each other’s sentences.
It’s strange how some people like my uncle need to be locked up to be set free.
Prison gave Uncle Hugo a new lease of life. He always wanted to dance. The prison allowed him to study. He received a bachelors in ballet. He got a tutu.
Families, in general, are strange. You think that every other family but yours is weird, but then you realise that even your own family are messed up. My mum, she won’t even eat dinner with us anymore. Dad’ll set a plate in front of her, and she’ll get up and go “I’m going to five guys”. I go why there’s a perfectly good meal in front of you. She tells me it fills her up, and she loves the taste. One time she came back, asked “How was your burger?” and she goes “Hmmm?”
Even friends, you think they have it sussed?
No, they don’t. I have two friends, both addicts. The first one, Tom. Every weekend I see him down at Kwik Fit getting new brake pads put in. I say mate you’re addicted he says “I’m not, I can stop whenever I want”.
Another friend he has an addiction, but at least he’s trying to stop. He’s tried a couple of times and failed, but this time with my help he’s going to cut it out completely. He’s just going to stop, cold turkey. I’m going to have to watch him on Boxing day.
But you know for all the problems that we have in this life. For all the good and all the bad. Enjoy it because nothing’s guaranteed. Not even your money. I lost all mine. Someone told me to invest it all in stocks. Corporal punishment has been outlawed since 1986.
Even your memory but you have to stay positive.
Take my Granda Mervin, for example. He has so many health problems. He’s had pneumonia so long that we just say he has monia. At least his mind was sharp. That’s what kept him going. He’d lived this charmed varied life. He’d lost both his parents before he turned seven lived out in Portaferry when Belfast was evacuated. He joined the RUC when Catholics did not join the RUC. He’d have these stories like one time he saw this room in a flat the lights were flashing on and off. He was like what is that. It was until he heard the shoop, pop, kaching, he realised he was getting shot at.
He had all these stories.
Granda Mervin was forgetful. Like he’d leave the freezer lying open, he’d lose his keys, he’d let grandma speak. It was sad. Then one day he got the diagnosis. It was Alzheimer’s. The whole family went round to his house not long after that. I remember him sitting at the kitchen table looking down into his cup of tea. Then he looked up and smiled and said, “Could be worse, I could have Alzheimer’s”.
End of script. Chicken Box 26-9-19 Chicken Box 26-9-19 Chicken Box 26-9-19 Chicken Box 26-9-19
Did you find this useful? Let me know in the comments. If you liked this you might like this post about bombing at stand up.