Four films back to back? Leave me alone I’m sick.
I’ve been sick for a few days, and it completely robs you of any motivation. You slip back into those lazy habits that you would prefer yourself not to. I’ve not been exercising and have been eating the wrong foods. The justification for my behaviour? Fuck it I’m sick. Leave me alone.
I was sitting in the main room watching Toast of London. It’s one of those shows that I don’t understand why I’m watching it as I’m watching. It’s not funny, it’s not unique. They do this thing where they have sections were the point is that it’s deliberately not amusing. Does announcing that you’re not funny excuse you from not being funny?
There are no characters, just people with quirks. I guess I like the musical interludes because they’re fun and surreal. It occurred to me that the real reason that I love it is just down to Matt Berry’s voice. I just like his cadence and the deep baritone levels. It’s good to listen to, and there’s something soothing about his voice.
My housemate, Alex, came in and asked if I wanted to watch a film.
I said yes, but there was a couple of conditions. I didn’t want to watch anything that would make me think. I’m sick, and when you’re sick you don’t have to think that’s the law, look it up.
It was up to me. After some scrolling through Netflix, I found a film.
Don’t be a menace to South Central while drinking your juice in the hood. Four films #1
This is a Wayans brothers film. I saw it years ago as a kid and thought it was hilarious. I hadn’t seen it since and man oh man is it broad. It’s more like a Naked Gun film than anything else. It’s one of those joke factory films where they just keep firing more and more stuff at the wall to see what sticks.
Some of it does some of it does not.
There’s a hilarious idea of the hero’s father is somehow younger than him. The dad asks can he go to a party but isn’t allowed because it’s over 18s only. Shawn Wayans has such an expressive face. It’s a shame that he usually ends up playing the straight man to his brother Marlon.
The editing in this film is lax. I could imagine it’s for audience laughter. Now it just seems like there is a lot of dead air which in an hour and a half film, is a bit much.
As I said, it’s a broad comedy. You don’t have to have seen the films it’s sending up, but there were a few jokes that flew over our head. Even if you haven’t seen Boyz N, The Hood Bernie Mac is hilarious as the racist cop.
After that film was over, we decided to watch another.
You Were Never Really Here Four films #2
My God, this was bad. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a hater. I loved Lynn Ramsay’s We Need to Talk About Kevin and Morvern Caller. Two films that look at violence and the destruction that it leaves in its wake. I was hoping for an interesting take on a generic gangster film. My word I didn’t get it.
This film was downright pretentious. For such a simple premise: Tough guy gets hired to rescue a politicians daughter. I mean, I think that’s what it was. It was told in such a needlessly confusing way. There is a lot of ACTING in this film. There’s also mumbling. Like we tried everything, from turning the volume way up to trying to turn on the subtitles (there were none). Didn’t matter, couldn’t make out a damn word that they were saying.
There were some interesting ideas. I liked how you weren’t given the satisfaction of violence, you get hints of it, but it’s not gratuitous. There’s a bit where the hero holds hands with a dying man. None of this is enough to redeem it.
Alex and I talked about how you can either have a film like this action based (Taken) or character based (Drive). You can’t have neither of either.
This film is a lesson in pacing. We actually worked it out. Subtracting opening and closing credits the feature is one hour twenty minutes. It felt like it went on forever.
I was hoping this to be Lynn Ramsay’s Drive. Instead, it was her Only God Forgives.
After that, we needed something unpretentious to cleanse the palette.
Mortal Kombat Four films #3
We both loved this film as kids. Alex is more into martial arts films than I am so I think he enjoyed it more than I did.
This film introduced a whole generation to techno, and for that we are thankful.
It’s a tournament film like Enter the Dragon with a supernatural twist.
Man, this film cannot be accused of being pretentious. Characters deliver on the nose dialogue so on the nose that you secretly suspect that they are noses.
This film looks cool. The sets and the lighting look like high-level, it helps with the atmosphere. The same can’t be said of the acting. When your props have more life than your cast, it’s not a good sign.
There is some ropey CGI in here as well.
This film is not short on action either. At one point Alex and I kept a tally, there are seven fights scenes in a row. It’s an odd choice because the start of the film is so exposition heavy.
This film could have been so much better with a bit of restructuring. As it stands, it is probably the best video game adaptation so far which isn’t saying much.
Talking about video game movies from the nineties led to an obvious choice.
Super Mario Bros Four films #4
This film is something else.
Like what the hell were they thinking?
You take one of the happiest, colourful games in history and turn it into this drab Blade Runner-esque mess.
As we watched it Alex and I kept asking “Who signed off on this?”
The film looks cool. This was back in the day when you couldn’t green screen your problems away.
The talent is on screen is top notch too. You have Dennis Hopper, Fiona Shaw, Bob Hoskins, John Leguizamo and Fisher Stevens. That they all signed onto this garbaged is a feat in and of itself.
The problem is that if the film was divorced from the Nintendo franchise, it might have been OK. It wouldn’t have been a classic, but it’s the association with the brand that makes it worse.
It feels like there were last minute rewrites to make it more kid-friendly. The result is a grim and oppressive film with slapstick intervals that are grating.
Again, what were they thinking?
If you haven’t seen the film here’s a link.
You aren’t in for a treat.
The making of is more interesting than the result.
You also have to remember that we have this film to thank for this Bob Hoskins quote:
“The worst thing I ever did? Super Mario Brothers. It was a f***in’ nightmare. The whole experience was a nightmare. It had a husband-and-wife team directing, whose arrogance had been mistaken for talent. After so many weeks their own agent told them to get off the set! F***in’ nightmare. F***in’ idiots.” -Bob Hoskins
Goodnight sweet prince.
There you have it, watch these films or don’t I don’t care.
Have you read about 5 horror films I love?