Nights out are a scam

Nights out v night in

Nights out are a thing of the past.

You’re sitting in your house in your favourite seat. The lighting is soft, and you have your head back on the cushion. You’re content, you have a glass in your hand filled with inexpensive wine. You might not be much of a wine drinker, but you like this wine. This is because A, it cost a fiver and B, it’s actually tasty wine, which you didn’t think was a thing that could exist.

You catch a few words from the music playing in the background. You never considered yourself a Daft Punk fan. However the repetition of “sweat” makes you think that one day you should check out more of their work.

Your friend, the one that every group has is telling that story again. The one about the neighbours’ dog and the bath bomb. You’ve heard it a million times before, but you’re always surprised at yourself when you laugh. It’s when they get to the part where the dog almost gets put down due to the cranberry scented foam dripping from it’s jaw. Has more truth been added onto the story with each progressive telling? Yes. Does that make the story any less entertaining? No.

Then that other friend that groups attract voices their thoughts. You know what friend I’m talking about, they’re only ever tenuously connected to the group. No one has any problem with them. Whenever you prod other group members all that they can tell you is that they are “nice” and “haven’t done anything to me”. They haven’t done anything to you either. However, the idea of being alone with them for any amount of time makes you break out in a cold sweat. Let’s hear what they have to say.

“Let’s go out,” they say.

“We’re all good here,” the de facto leader of your group says.

“C’mon I really want to go out,” they say doubling down. You know how this interaction plays out. Everyone is having a good time, and no one wants to cause a fight. Somehow this minority of one gets their way. Every single time. You have your objections, but you get told that you’re being stubborn. You’re outvoted, you end up going out.

I have my own hypothesis as to why this particular kind of person always insists on going out. It’s not the subject of this blog, but you can have this as a bonus. These people crave loud environments. Not because they are party animals but because they need to distract you. Distract you from the fact that they don’t have much in the way of a functional personality. They don’t like quiet environments. This is because it only serves to draw attention to the fact that they have nothing to say.

As this is a hypothetical scenario, let’s ask them why they want to go out in the first place.

“Why do you want to go out?” you ask them.

“Well while I like this wine that is £5 a bottle but wouldn’t you far instead be paying £5 per glass. Another reason that I want to go out, see the way we can all see each other and hear each other, I don’t like that. Why not having just constant noise and pumping music in our ear so that you and I get headaches. We’re also in the same room together. Let’s exchange that for all of us getting separated and not talking to each other for the remainder of the night. When I look around, I noticed that we all have enough space let’s put a stop to that an make moving a couple of feet a chore. That’s what a real fun night is all about.

A realisation

You get to that point in your teens were you are too old for kiddies stuff and too young for adult stuff. That doesn’t stop you from trying. Fake IDs, trying to get on like it’s no big deal because you go to places all the time. Memorising details of a degree you aren’t taking all that nonsense. When you get in it’s something else. You’re cool you’re finally in. You rebel.

Then you turn 18, and you spend the next couple of years going out to the bar or club every Saturday. You get drunk on Saturday and spend the rest of Sunday recovering. One day completely has gone.

Something happens in your mid to late twenties. You’re out one night, and you think to yourself, “I hate this, not now but I’ve always hated this. I only ever went along with it because everyone else went along with it.”

You find it to be a relief, the truth has set you free.

Why do you go for a night out?

To stand near people.

People don’t actually like all the trappings of going out. Humans are social beings, and this is an excuse to stand among people.

The more you think about it, the more you realise that I’m right. What advantages does going out have over staying in?

At home, the drink is much cheaper. You can discriminate against who comes to your house, and you get to put the music to a reasonable level. You can get a drink whenever you want. No queueing necessary.

People just want to stand in groups.

Further proof, why do we still shop? Everything is available online. There is no reason why supermarkets should even have as much foot traffic as they do. The reason you do is that you want to be close to other people and other people want to be close to you.

Want proof?

Next time you are in a supermarket stand next to the most unpopular item you can find. People will be drawn to you.

I’m going out tonight, and I’m kind of dreading it. I feel that I have been prepared to know what the real reason is for doing so.

Now that you know why people want to go out maybe you’ll have a bit more ammunition to say no.

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